tough day

Of all the days this pregnancy, minus the few when I was seriously sick with stomach bugs, this was by far the hardest. From the moment I woke up, I was just shattered, exhausted, teary and feeling blah. I had invited some friends over to spend the morning with, but kind of regretted that as I could hardly muster the energy to stand and Samara was her sometimes-ridiculously-needy-self with the 3 kiddos around. As we stood in the driveway waving them off, my parents drove by, on their way home from the supermarket and pulled in. Upon seeing them, I burst into tears. I was so tired, feeling so yucky, had such a headache, sore throat, so many pains, and while I didn't know what crying could accomplish, but we are always babies in our parents' eyes, and they, of course, my savior beings. My mother is amazing... with me, with Samara, with life in general. She scooped up my little one from my arms and told me I had the afternoon to myself and she'd see me for my doctor's appointment this afternoon. Incredible. I didn't want to let Samara go, yet I longed to sleep possibly more than ever before. I think that after weeks and weeks of thinking 'today's the day' and getting so high and then nothing, I'm just zonked. Too much time now has led to some of the anxiety returning, and some of the fears of months back. This afternoon, even though I couldn't actually fall asleep because of my spinning head and yucky feeling, I was at least able to put my feet up and try to stay cool on another crazy, muggy, frizz-queen day. The doctor's appt with Coffey went well. He is just so lovely. I can't believe how lucky I am to have found another doctor I adore, trust and admire, as we loved Fernie so much. As of 4:30pm I'm 2cm dilated and 70% effaced. It doesn't mean much of any certainty, but it's something and I'll take it. We've got one week to go until C-S-Day and while I'd give a whole lot to avoid that, I know that ultimately, all that matters, is the safe arrival, healthy arrival of this little one. I haven't thought boy or girl for so long, it's crazy to even admit. This second time round, all the angst and waiting, it seems more than ever, my heart is focused on what really matters. I have been wrong about everything... gender, due date, the path that has gotten us here, but it's kind of refreshing. I like to be in control. My children are here to teach us, and the world, so much. Needless to say, they're doing a great job already.