The Smile of Dorothy

We have had a sad few days here in Marblehead. My dear Nana in Leeds had a massive stroke on Thursday night and has been in a coma eversince. My father flew out immediately and is praying devotedly by her side. He is an amazing son, of the most amazing women. We are holding vigil here. Little Samara, who was named Samara Dorothy after Nana, has tried arousing Nana via telephone, as a friend of ours told us a heartwarming story of a similar great-grandmother who awoke to the crying of their 3 week old. Sadly it didn't work the first time, but we'll keep trying. For now, Samara continues to be the source of joy and hope for us all, as we fight back the tears and try to be strong. It has been a beautiful reminder of the bond between children and parents, as my father finds his own type of patient strength, and between grandchildren and grandparents, as we all will her well. Here is her starry eyed smile, the beauty of Dorothy...

Love my Baby

My Brave Girl

Samara is settling into a good routine and has had great naps these past 3 days. Yesterday afternoon, however, was rather gut-wrenching. The lovely pediatrician here wanted Samara to have a blood test to catch her record up with the other Yankee babies and so at three o'clock she had a heel tap. I actually had to leave the room, leaving my little baby in my mother's arms who kindly held the little angel as she had two tubes of blood squeezed out of her feet. It was horrific and I can't thank my mother enough for stepping in for me so that I could return and offer my little one her favorite thing in the world and not have her associate me with the terrible pain. I was sobbing more than her and she definitely bounced back much more quickly. She's amazing. I love her just too much.
One thing I didn't mention before that she was born with a tooth! It's just above the surface on her bottom right gum. Fortunately for me, though she chomps like crazy, it's not a sharp edge! She's eating so well and finally weighs over 7lbs. I've started giving her 4oz of formula around 7pm as my milk didn't seem to be enough for her in the evenings. I'll admit, the breast-feeding itself has caused a few tears here and there, what with the blisters, cracking and bleeding, and at first I felt awful that I couldn't provide everything my hungry little monster desired, but as with all of this journey, my pride and desire to be in control soon subside and it is all about her. We have endless gazing hours together, really truly ENDLESS hours, so this 15 minute supplement is a great chance for Steve or someone else to get in on the sucking action. It is so wonderful to see her contented. She locks eyes now, and almost smiles back. She has given me two small heartattacks when she's skipped a breath twice now, requiring some rather drastic measures but she is so strong and healthy and I love her ever chubbying cheeks. She is getting soooo big!! Please, please come and meet her soon!

My strong neck

1 month old

With Big Papi

With Uncle Squirrel

Home Coming

I cannot believe it's been so long since I wrote. With so many extra hands around now, I ought to have more time but now every spare second is spent with my wonderful family. We are back home and it feels as though we have returned to paradise. Stepping off the front porch each day, walking by the ocean, surrounded by the pink and purple flowers of Marblehead, it is like we are on a movie set. Samara is loving sporting her spaghetti straps and bearing her long and slender legs in the sea breeze. She is her active, loving self, often calming only to the sound of my voice and my touch. It is the most humbling reality, truly. To feel so needed, so wanted, so strong for her is amazing. Sometimes her little face scrunches up so small and looks so scared, but then her big blue eyes find mine and she knows that despite the turmoil and craziness of these past few weeks, we are home. There is so much to write.... about her perfection on our 18 hour journey home, not crying even a second, about her poingnantly singing in church as my father lead the congregation in Jesus Loves Me, about her angelically sleeping in my arms and not her crib!, about her strong, strong neck and fighting fists, about her loving to blow those crazy kind of bubbles in the bath, about me admitting that I like the smell of her 'popo', there is so, so much, and then about here, how we bought a Mazda 3 yesterday, and put an offer on an amazing house on Tuesday (but sadly had to withdraw it 48 hours later because of lots of seller problems) about all the endless family laughter and bonding Samara has inspired, I wish I could write it all, but I never have a spare hand or moment, and admittedly I am so happy for the lack of them both. We are so lucky to be here and I simply cannot wait for you all to meet her, in the flesh. I will write it all down, on my heart, and I will come here as often as I can, but now I know that for all of these words and wonders, some types of love exist only in your child's eyes.

A Happy 4th

Today has been a much better day. We are trying so hard to get Samara onto a schedule and so far she's slept twice this morning, just for an hour a half, but a significant improvement to the last couple of days. Even better, having had my stitches out while my mother was here, the pain post-C-section is now easing and that means we can take our little girl on walks! For a few days last week, I was unable to stand which was awful. Even shifting position in bed to feed Samara was excruciating. Since the stitches came out, and we had our sad farewell with Fernie, it has been getting easier to move. We just took Samara on a little walk, and I held her the whole time - a first. It feels so good to move around freely with her, and I am so relieved that Steve no longer has to do absolutely everything for us. While I've finally mastered the art of delegating, it was so awful not being able to get up. Who knew the recovery would be so tricky? I still have some ways to go, but I am not thinking about it any more. My scar is my war wound for the miracle I have by my side always. It will forever show how we are bound my blood and love.
It was so wonderful having my mother here, whose experience and reassurance made everything so much easier. The second Samara was born, actually the moment I went into labor my longing to have my own mother near grew exponentially each second. She is home now, for the 4th, but we'll be there soon...
We've been worried about Samara's umbilical cord, as she's 16 days old and it still hasn't fallen off. Today it looks as though just half is ready to tumble, any second, which is even more alarming. The hospital assures us that while it staying on this long and happening this way is not common, it is fine. I can't wait for the ugly little stump to be gone. Everything is such a worry with such a precious little one.
I mentioned our farewell to Fernie was very sad. We got him a gift and I wrote him a card to say goodbye and when he read it, he started to cry. Now, I know I'm a sucker for sappy words, but a minute later, through his tears, he apologized for his sensitivity and explained how his newborn son was very, very sick. It just breaks your heart to hear of little ones suffering and how it wrecks the parents. If you think of it, please pray for his little Federico.
The days pass so quickly. By my mother's orders, I'm drinking so much to assure my milk doesn't run dry. It certainly doesn't seem like it will. For all the marvels of the human body and this incredible journey, I have one complaint: When one breast is feeding, why does the other have to think it is, too?! We have a good sense of humor about it all and every day we learn something new... Here are some photos of Samara at 2 weeks old and her time with Maaaaami!

Our Beautiful Samara

With The Wonderful Fernie


With Mami...



Blue Eyes and At Last Something PINK to Wear


Most babies love to be swaddled, but not Samara.
She always sleeps with her hands up and her mouth open.

Learning...

I can't believe how the days have flown by. Our little baby is now 15 days old. Mummy left back to Boston this morning and even though it is only a matter of days now until we go, we miss her a lot. There is no saying what a help she was and how special it was to see the generations coming together. Having a daughter now, I think I love my own mother even more. It is so amazing. Samara's perfectly peaceful stint seemed to end on Tuesday and there have been a lot of tears (well, just mine, not hers as she won't have tears for some weeks still...) and sleeplessness, but we're learning together. She just doesn't seem to want to sleep during the day at all and gets her poor little self into such a state. It is heartbreaking not being able to help her more. I have much to learn. I am mesmerized by her beauty and perfection and can gaze into ever-growing blue eyes endlessly. They are rarely shut! We have so many special moments every hour that passes and we can't believe how lucky we are. I can't wait to take her properly home.